Crazy thoughts crept in for the first time tonight. The kinds where you start thinking about what I’ll do if the unimaginable happens. It’s awfully early, but I don’t know how to avoid it. I ask for phone numbers of his close friends so I have them, but also so I can call them with news if I have to. I hate that. This is the worst part about an impending deployment. Dealing with so much uncertainty and trying to create order out of something that you have no control over and can’t slow down. Ugh.
Back in 2005 I went batty during a deployment. I’ll readily say this now, but back then it was so isolating and scary I felt like I had no one to talk to that would really get it. I thought I would scare other military family members with my fears. So I bottled it all up and slowly spiraled downward.
Thankfully, an emphasis is emerging on the emotional and mental health of family members. Glad to see this series of PSA’s coming from Blue Star Families.
I’m a married to national guardsman. The last time I dealt with a deployment, he was a marine reservist doing a crazy dangerous job near the Haditha Dam in the Al Anbar province of Iraq. To put it mildly, I lost my grasp on reality and sanity during that deployment. This time, it’s slightly different.
I know what went wrong, what crazy thoughts entered my head that led to my demise, and what I would do differently. He now flies helicopters- which sounds more dangerous, but really- I don’t think of it that way when compared to scouting out land mines and IED’s. He’ll more than likely land on a base, or some type of semi secure area, so at night I will rest easy(er).
So now I’m faced with another deployment. I can’t tell you where he’s going, because really- neither he or I have a clue. All I know is that in the next 5 months, a lot will change. I will have to get my game face on, harden my mind and spirit, and prepare myself mentally to face this again, alone. I do not have family that lives in the state. I am not heavily connected to the base wives in ways that active duty families find themselves. But I do have a base nearby, which is a HUGE benefit over my last deployment, which left me feeling isolated, alone, and without anyone who “got it.”
A few concerns at this point I’m dealing with: I have severe ADHD. I lean on my husband for SO much in helping me manage my ADHD. He grocery shops with me, helps me limit compulsive spending, helps me remember vital information, remembers to get the mail, picks up meds for me when I can’t get to the doctor in time, remembers to feed the dogs when I don’t, cooks meals daily so that I don’t forget to eat (and then scrounge to eat ingredients). I’m not ready to give that up yet. So I’m already daydreaming up solutions…
WIll I get a maid, an organizer, a lawn care service, an assistant to run errands, a person to do my grocery shopping, or a dog walker? If not, how will I juggle all of this? How will we finish remodeling our house- will I have to oversee contractors too? Who will watch my dogs when I’m gone doing ceremony stuff or visiting family? Last time I had a friend in town who would help me if I needed someone to pick me up after dropping the car in the shop or meet me at the airport. How will I handle that now? Who will water my plants when I forget?
I know this is nothing compared to what families with kids have to think about, but to me this is what I’m dealing with.
And how will I handle the balancing act between working and managing my emotional sanity? Last time I tanked in my job because I was so consumed with his welfare. I don’t want to repeat that, but I do want to give myself space to detox and breathe, instead of getting pulled by overwhelming stress at work when it combines with the deployment stress.
So many things to thing about and prepare for, and these are just the tip of the iceberg. I’m a planner by nature, and thinking about it this early is to be expected…but I still have a long way to go.
Thought Provoking Quotes for your computer. My Favorite: Have no Fear of Perfection. You’ll never reach it. -Salvador Dali
